it came up two years ago today / lighter flicked across the tongue i wrapped mine around / on an air mattress / on my 21st birthday / shared with the boy i dated senior year / what a weird fucking birthday / swimming in a lake outside of oxford with three men i had kissed / two who loved me / and none i had invited 

that summer i lived in harbor town mooching off my rich cousin / we’d spend our days in the scarily green lawn / watching clouds / watching movies / doing nothing / i remember the carpet in that room / that overlooked the pyramid / all the hair that it collected / pulling them out of the threads as you spoke / about veganism / savioursim / how it was okay that you said the n word because words are just words / etc / louis ck shit / white man / shit 

i remember how you took my car while i was still drunk and swimming / how i came back confused about where you had gone / crying in the backseat as ben drove me home / drinking all your expensive vodka / i want to make sense of our fallouts / so i always come back / shelby asks why / says its not worth it / says haven’t you had enough / truth is i just want it to be better / i wanna walk in and ask you how you are / and have you ask it back 

you never do